


wanted to be a better brother, better son

by mxsicalpup



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Gentle Kissing, M/M, Mentions of Death, Recreational Drug Use, Requited Love, Shotgunning, Trauma, johns having a Bad Trauma Day, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-06-19
Packaged: 2019-05-25 07:15:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14971871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mxsicalpup/pseuds/mxsicalpup
Summary: John uses weed to cope with trauma and to try and ignore it. Aaron just wants to spend time with the man he’s liked since college. John can’t exactly hide the pain for much longer.title from ‘polarize’ by twenty one pilots





	wanted to be a better brother, better son

Aaron was just a little startled when his phone rang out in the silence of his office, where he had just been tapping away at work and files. He looked at the screen, blinked slightly. The name ‘John L.’ flashed on the screen, and he studied them for a moment.

Why was John calling him a half hour before work ended? They didn’t work together; John had stuck with art as his major in college, while Aaron had went with law. They roomed together back then, and honestly, Aaron could say that he missed the lingering smells of acrylic paint, alcohol markers and weed, with weed being the main smell that always clung to both of them.

Aaron had never gotten high. And he almost never hear from John. Maybe there was a first time for everything. Aaron picked up the phone. “Hello?”

“Aaron! Hey man! What’re you up to?”

“I’m at work, John. Is something wrong?”

“Shit, I forgot that you had the same hours as Alex.” His voice had that growl in the undertone that made Aaron relax. John was high as shit. Guess old habits are as hard to break. Aaron hummed, “Yeah, I think you also seemed to forget that Alexander and I work in the same building. You can call him instead, if you want.”

“Nahhhh man, I called you for a reason.”

“Huh?”

“Yeah man. I know what I’m doin’. Do you wanna hang at my place after work?”

“You want to hang out? Just you and I?” The thought was appealing enough; Aaron’s crush on John in college never faded away, so at this point he knew that he was just going to be in love with stoner John Laurens forever.

“Yeah man. Just for a while. You can say no. I’m high as shit, but it’s not fun being high alone. Alex has a work meeting and Laffy and Herc have things to do. That means they have each other to do. So I’m alone and I really don’t want to be.” He laughed a little, but it had an edge to it, and Aaron took it just as a sign of being high and alone. He knew John didn’t like that combination. He sighed a little and nodded against the phone. “Yeah, alright. I can come by at around five thirty. I’ll get high with you.”

“You wanna get high with me?”

“Yeah man. I’ll do it.”

“You’re a weed virgin, though. You’re sure?”

“I’ll see when I get there. How about that?”

“Sounds better than you agreeing to it over the phone.”

“Great. I’ll see you in an hour, John.”

“Great, thanks man. Means a lot.”

“Of course. See you then.”

“See you.” John hung up first, and Aaron looked at his phone screen for another few moments. Did he know that he was John’s last pick in this? Yeah. Did that kinda suck? Yeah. But he guessed that it didn’t matter; Aaron got to spend a night with John and get high. That sounded like an okay plan.

* * *

Aaron was almost soothed by the sight of John’s house. He knew the inside of the place would probably be a mess, but hey, the place was fine from the outside. He slipped out of his car and padded up to the door, ringing the doorbell.

John answered after a moment, sleepy smile on his face and hair messily tied back. Aaron could feel nostalgia run through his veins as he smelled alcohol markers overtop the weed. John tilted his head, curling his fingers into the front pocket of his hoodie. “Hey man, glad you could make it. C’mon.” He stepped aside to let Aaron in, and to be quite honest, Aaron thought he was in a different world.

In the places where Aaron’s house was clean and organized, John’s house was a bit of a controlled disaster. Paintbrushes and paint bottles were set aside and on the coffee table or on the mantle. A few sketchbooks sat on the coffee table as well, next to an empty Chinese food takeout box and an ashtray. It was more original than anything else. An easel with a painting on it was left abandoned in the far corner of the kitchen. It definitely wasn’t Aaron’s style, but he knew it was John’s way, and he couldn’t judge him for it. He smiled as he stepped in, just barely choking on the smell of smoke. “I like your decor. It’s really... You.”

“Thanks.” John chuckled slightly, moving to sit on the couch before blinking. His eyes were bloodshot and heavy bags sat underneath them. “Shit, uh, you want any water or food or anything? I ate earlier, so.. But I can still cook, even if I’m high as fuck.”

“No, I’m not hungry.”

“Alright.” They both sat, and John shifted forwards to pull out a book from the bottom of the coffee table. He opened it up; it ended up being one of those fake books that are actually boxes. Inside was a baggie of weed and a few papers to roll blunts with. He started rolling one, looking over at Aaron. “You said you wanted to get high?”

“Yeah, I’m up for it.”

“You’ve never smoked anything before in your life, right?”

“Nope.”

“Then takin’ a direct hit is gonna suck. We’re gonna have to shotgun.”

“We’re gonna have to _what?_ ”

“We’re gonna _shotgun_ , Aaron.” He chuckled a little, smiling dopily at him. “It’s when, like... I take a hit from the blunt, and then we sorta do this thing where our mouths are really close and whatever, and when I blow the smoke out you suck it into your mouth. Like a secondhand high. Easier on a virgin smoker’s lungs.” He brought the rolled blunt up to his mouth to lick the small strip of paper left, then stuck the paper down and reached for a lighter.

Aaron just looked at him, cheeks a warm pink and head a little buzzy. John Laurens wanted to shotgun with him. Their mouths were almost gonna touch. He felt his heart stutter in his chest for a moment, hands rubbing up and down the front of his jeans.

John got it lit and took a hit, closing his eyes and melting against the couch. He blew out the smoke through his nose, stayed there for a moment, then took the blunt out and looked over. “You look hella tense. Chill out.”

“Maybe if you’ll give me a hit, I’ll ‘chill out’.” This made John smile a little again, which made Aaron smile. John sat up, “Alright, alright. Hold on.” He moved over to be right next to him, their legs touching. John took a long hit and took the blunt out, holding the smoke like a pro. Aaron studied him until he realized their lips were brushing, and John was tapping Aaron’s cheek with his forefinger to get him to open. Aaron obeyed, opening his mouth for him.

John blew the smoke directly into his mouth. It was chalky and heavy in his throat as he breathed it in. He felt static rush through to his head, and before he knew it he was coughing into his arm. The sudden loud noise seemed to startle John a little, and he leaned back, blinking. “You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I didn’t,” he paused to cough a little more, “know what to expect, exactly.”

“Oh.” John shifted. “Sorry for not really giving you a warning about that.”

“You gave plenty of warning, I just-“

“No, it was me. I didn’t tell you it was gonna be bad the first few times. I’m sorry.” This comment made Aaron blink and pause. John never apologized like that. He rubbed his eyes a little to fully look at him.

John didn’t look like a comfortable mess today. He looked a lot more like... A mess. A full-on mess. His eyes were dark, bloodshot, eyes baggy underneath. His cheeks were blotchy in a way Aaron didn’t notice when he first walked in. His hair looked like he hadn’t washed it in a bit. The sweatshirt was a college sweatshirt, but judging by the amount of spots and stains on it, it was still put to good use with the lack of a good cycle in the washing machine. He looked like he’d been crying just twenty minutes prior.

Aaron looked at him harder as he tried to contain his buzzy mind. “John, hey. Are you okay?”

John’s shoulder’s tensed a little. “Yeah, I’m good. No worries.”

“You don’t look okay...”

“I’m fine.” His voice had the same edge to it again, the one Aaron heard on the phone when they talked earlier. It put Aaron at unease, but he didn’t fight him on it. John took another hit, a longer one, and held the smoke before tentatively leaning back over to Aaron, brushing their lips a little more. Aaron opened his mouth and closed his eyes, trying to just relax and breath in, but even still he ended up coughing and tugging away. John just tensed a little more. “Maybe you should stop? I’m sorry it’s not good, I thought it’d be fun to get high with you..” He no longer looked like the relaxed and dopey man Aaron walked in to meet. He looked a little more out there, scared, like a child.

Aaron reached to touch his shoulder, but John flinched away with a hiss. “Don’t.” Aaron looked at him. “Hey. Please just breathe, okay? Breathe.” He reached and plucked the blunt from his shaking fingers, setting it carefully in the ashtray before moving away from John to give him space.

The moving away made John shrink slightly. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault, okay? I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to make this bad for you. Now you’re all worried about me and shit because I can’t handle a bad dream.” His voice caught as he ran his fingers through his curls that popped out from the loose ponytail. Aaron sighed. “John, it’s okay, I need you to breathe-“

“I’ll be fine in a minute, I promise, I’m sorry, I just..” He closed his eyes and shifted to the opposite side of the couch to curl up a little, trying to hide within himself. Aaron fidgeted nervously, rubbing his hands up and down the front of his pants again. “What’s the matter? What was the dream about?”

“Henry.”

Oh. Well that explains that.

Aaron knew vague ideas of Henry Laurens. John often refused to talk about his father, and the family he left behind. He just knew that the nasty scar he saw on his back once was definitely not from a regular slap with a belt as a scolding.

“Oh. Do you wanna talk about-“

“No. God, no. I wanna forget it all. It’s a lot. I can’t talk about it. I wanna forget it.” He tangled both hands in his messy curls. “I just wanna forget. I know I’m stupid and worthless but I just wanna forget the rest of it, fuck.”

Aaron looked at him with a lot more concern at this point. “John, you’re not worthless-“

“I am, Aaron. I’m worthless and fucking stupid and I’m not good enough for anything and I deserved everything that happened to me. I know all that already. I don’t want a pity party. You can go, if you want.”

“Don’t push me away, John.”

“Stop, I don’t need your concern. I’m sorry for dragging you over here, you could be doing better things with Alex or James or someone who’s better than me.” John was shaking; his shoulders were shivering and his hands were trembling and he had tears threatening to spill. It didn’t help that he was high as shit. “Go home.”

“I’m not going home.”

“Why won’t you? You wouldn’t have to deal with me if you’re at home.”

“I want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’ll text you when I’m feeling better or something, please go away.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“You’re stubborn.” He looked over at him, fresh tear tracks glistening under the lights of his living room. “Go the fuck home, I’m sorry.”

“I’m a stubborn ass, I’m not going anywhere.” He said this with a more affirmative tone that seemed to get the point across. He stayed there, watching John freeze up before just breaking down and curling up into himself, starting to tremble and shake as he was wracked with new sobs.

Aaron took this time to slide over and pull him close, hugging him and shushing him softly. John didn’t fight this time; he leaned more into Aaron’s touch and wrapped his upper body around Aaron’s, hiding his face in Aaron’s neck and crying there. “I’m sorry for being so fucking needy.”

“My cat is needier than you are. You never ask for anything.”

“I ask for too much. I’m spoiled.”

“Did Henry say that to you?” No response from John. “I know he did, John. It’s just the trauma talking. Breathe in for three and out for three.”

After a few harsh sobs, John started listening, and followed Aaron’s instructions on how to actually breathe. Soon enough, he was just reduced to sniffles and whimpers. He sat up, wiping at his eyes. Aaron looked at him, touched his cheek. “Can we talk about it?”

John looked hesitant at first, like he might snap in half, before he started to quietly spill. His mom died when he was young, and his youngest brother died on his watch at boarding school. His father blamed him for it, and never let him forget it. It really didn’t help that he was gay in South Carolina, to add that onto the list of things that was wrong with him. At the end, Aaron was livid with Henry, and was three seconds from mentally planning a trip to South Carolina to punch Henry in the dick, when he was blasted back into reality by John hiccuping. “I’m just pathetic, crying over all that again.”

“John, I don’t think it’s pathetic to cry over trauma.”

“It is. I’m worthless.”

“You’re worth something.”

“Yeah, worth what? Half a corn chip?” He meant the satire, and looked away from Aaron to wipe harder at his eyes.

Seeing John in the state he was in gave Aaron a surge of overwhelming need to make this boy feel better. “No, you’re worth much more than that.” He took John’s chin to make him look him dead in the eyes. “You’re worth the sun, the moon, and the stars, Jack. You have to believe me. You do wonderful things with a paintbrush. You have a way with words that I don’t think you even comprehend. You mean the universe to me, Jack.”

John looked floored, fresh tears spilling onto his cheeks. Aaron cupped his face, wiping them away with his thumbs. “You mean the universe to me.” Then he leaned in to gently press their lips together.

John’s lips tasted salty and chalky and sweet all at once. His mouth was soft and pliant, much different than his personality. John made a soft sound, putting his hands on Aaron’s shoulders to kiss him back meekly.

Aaron only held it for so long before he pulled away to look at him. John’s eyes fluttered a little, like he was in a daze, before he caught his bearings and blinked back at Aaron. “Did you really-“

“Did I mean it? Yeah, I did. I really did. Don’t beat yourself up over things that you couldn’t control. The things that happened to you? You never deserved them. I’m so, so sorry it all happened to you.”

John looked at him before looping his arms around his neck to hug him, making Aaron hug him back tightly. “I just wanted to be good..”

“You’re good now. I think you’re good. I think you’re amazing.”

“I couldn’t save him...”

“That wasn’t your fault. Fate took him, not your lack of skill to save him.”

“I...”

“Relax. Nothing is your fault. None of it. You’re worth the whole galaxy, John.” Aaron let out a breath into John’s hair, feeling his shoulders tremble a little. “You can cry, you know. It’s okay to cry.”

And John cried. He cried for maybe five or ten minutes, getting more of his emotions out, before sitting up again to wipe at his eyes and look at Aaron. “I’m... Can you put the blunt out? Just sorta.. grind it against the bottom of the ashtray.” Aaron nodded, sitting up again to take the blunt and put it out as instructed. John then scratched the inside of his wrist, a little nervous tic. “Can we go lay in my bed? Take a nap?”

Aaron knew it was seven at night. His cat was fine at home with food. He nodded, standing and offering John a hand. “Yeah, tell me where your room is.”

“Upstairs, first door on the right.” John stood and tentatively took Aaron’s hand. They walked side by side up to John’s room (which was just as cluttered as the living room and the kitchen) and ended up laying down in just boxers and t-shirts. They both laid on their backs and looked at the ceiling for a moment. Aaron worried his lip between his teeth, thinking about how the kiss was poorly timed, how it could’ve made John worse-

His thoughts were cut off by John’s fingertips brushing against his own under the covers. “You think I’m worth the universe?”

“Of course I do. Anyone who doesn’t think you’re worth the universe is a coward.”

“Can you promise me that you’re not just high from shotgunning?”

“I took two piss-poor hits. I think I’m sober enough to be able to say that I do think you’re worth so much more than you know.” Aaron finally looked over at John, who had been staring intently and nervously over at him with his lip between his teeth. Aaron looked at him, then moved onto his side to reach and gently pull John’s lip out from between his teeth. “I really meant it. Don’t worry.”

John looked at him for another few moments before shifting over to curl up and cling to Aaron, hiding his face in his chest. “Stay the night with me.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll stay with you.”

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on tumblr at @mxsicalpup, feel free to leave kudos and a comment!!!


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